Tuesday, April 5, 2016

7 Types of Fabric Store Creatures/Children

Today’s post is brought to you by Audrey who blogs over at Skirt Fixation.  She has the ability to make the entire staff of a fabric store develop a twitch simultaneously when they see her coming with her 7 children.  She’s pretty sure her offspring’s motto for any fabric shopping excursion is, “We came, we saw, we conquered made Mom leave early!”


7 Types of Fabric Store Creatures

7 Types of Fabric Store Creatures Children



#1: Phoenix

7 Types of Fabric Store Creatures

From healing tears to death by fire, from a full grown bird to an egg, the Phoenix creature is a tale of opposites.  This child is your polar opposite.  If you love color, she picks black.  If you gravitate toward florals, she’s all about geometrics.  If you like it, she’s guaranteed to hate it.  And not just hate it, her reaction lets you know your choice was so utterly, tastelessly, last season that there’s no hope for you.  Ever.  In fact, if you hadn’t been there when she was born, you might question if the two of you are even related, your tastes are that different.
 Solution #1: Reverse psychology.  Two can play this game.  If you really love it, act like it’s revolting and she’ll immediately declare it’s the only thing in the entire 24,000 sq. foot store worth buying.
 Solution #2:  Maybe she’s right and you ARE still trying to dress her in Little House On The Prairie outfits when she’s moved onto Steampunk/Goth.  If you go with it, you might just discover some new patterns and fabrics and styles and notions you love too.  Come on, stretch yourself!  You won’t be the one wearing it…

  #2: Bigfoot

7 Types of Fabric Store Creatures

Just as Bigfoot has never been sighted, the inside of the fabric store has never seen this child.  This child is usually a male of double digit age, and most likely taller than you.  This child would die before allowing themselves to be seen in a fabric store.  Although spending 4 hours on an electronic game is an everyday occurrence, waiting 4 minutes in the vehicle outside the fabric store is too much to ask.  A true danger, this child is the most likely to call your husband and spill the beans about where you are and what you are making them suffer.
 Solution #1: Don’t. Ever. Take. This. Child. Within. A. 100. Mile. Radius. Of. A. Fabric. Store. 
Solution #2: Bigfoot can be bribed with food.  A bag of chips before you go in and a few packages of candy from the checkout aisle are a small price to pay.  I’ll bet you never knew that’s why they stock them there!

  #3:  Mermaid

7 Types of Fabric Store Creatures

Part human and part fish, it could be said the mermaid can’t make up her mind!  A mermaid has nothing on this child when it comes to indecisiveness.  When confronted with so many different fabric choices, this child becomes paralyzed.  Forget decisions about short sleeves or long, buttons or zipper, green or red, patterned or plain.  You could help her narrow it down to two and leave her standing with one fabric in each hand, do all the rest of your shopping, hop next door for a cappuccino, get a massage down the street (you deserve it,) go home and make supper, and when you get back she still wouldn’t have been able to make a decision.
 Solution #1:  Buy it all.  Your stash has been shrinking lately anyway.  Besides, there’s that great coupon expiring soon.
 Solution #2:  Make as many decisions as you can before you ever step a foot in the fabric store.  Then give this child a time limit and let her decide.

  #4: Poisonous Mushroom

7 Types of Fabric Store Creatures

No one can survive contact with a poisonous mushroom, and you probably won’t survive a trip to the fabric store with this child.  This child is allergic to the air in fabric stores.  If you don’t think so, just count the number of choking selfies this child texted to the outside world while you were in there.  Guaranteed to smash the most sensitive part on your ankle while playing bumper cars helpfully pushing the cart for you, this is the child that will make you regret bringing them to the fabric store.  Someone will probably require medical attention after the poisonous mushroom has visited the fabric store.  In fact, you will wish you could eat a poisonous mushroom to escape this experience!
 Solution #1:  Leave them Home Alone.  Like Kevin, this child will outwit the bad guys.
 Solution #2: Get this child engaged in a crafting hobby.  Knitting, leather work, camouflage tent making, this child is at the perfect age for starting and loving a hobby.  Your may even gain a sewing/crafting buddy!

  #5:  Unicorn

7 Types of Fabric Store Creatures

Everyone knows a unicorn is happiest when surrounded by a rainbow.  And so this child has a favorite aisle at the fabric store.  As if her little body draw energy from them, her eyes begin to sparkle, her hands vibrate, her breath come in staggering sighs, while her feet prance a happy dance as THAT aisle approaches.  If it sparkles with glitter, is Pepto Bismo pink, or has the texture of cotton candy, this child will not leave the fabric store without it.   Resign yourself to late night sessions with the seam ripper, and be sure to purchase extra Kleenex (for the tears you will shed and the glitter sneezes) because the kind of fabric this child lives for is not easy to work with!
 Solution #1:  Whatever you do, don’t let this child discover the costume section in the pattern books, it only adds fuel to her fire.
 Solution #2:  Compromise.  Yes I’m sorry this is about the only solution for the Unicorn.  At least once a year you are going to have to sew this child a costume composed of pink, sparkly, glittery, shiny, fluffy, furry goodness.  The up side is for the entire rest of the year you have a reason to say no and you can sew her whatever YOU want.

  #6:  Leprechaun

7 Types of Fabric Store Creatures

A leprechaun has never been caught, and in a fabric store, you will never catch this child either.  A master at hiding, unfortunately this child can fit in spaces so small you pass them up in your frantic search because no human could possibly fit there.  You might spot the leprechaun behind a fold of fabric, under the racks, or inside the pattern envelopes drawer.  But just as you make a desperate dive to catch them, they are gone and giggling from atop the zipper display.  Topping speeds of 90 MPH, this child is so adept at hiding you may actually forget you brought them with you.  Not that I would know anything about that.
 Solution #1:  Have you seen those child leashes some genius invented?  Or a dog leash.  Whatever it takes to keep them with you.
 Solution #2:  Confine this child to the cart.  It’s for their safety as much as for your sanity.  And so that they don’t morph into a Greek Siren whose “song” attracts the attention of everyone in the store, give them a scavenger hunt page (I’ve got a free printable for you today over at Skirt Fixation) and promise to reward them if they find everything.

  #7: Pixie

7 Types of Fabric Store Creatures

Everyone thinks your Pixie child is adorable, but you know the real story.  It’s very obvious to you this child is the victim of a horrible muscle disease.  They develop Stiff Board Syndrome whenever you try to bend their body to the seat-shape of the cart.  But 5 seconds later this child develops Wet Noodle-itis and magically gains 30 pounds as they lay limply in your arms, proving impossible to hold with one arm as you try to pet the fabric with the other.   But as soon as you place this drooping blob on the floor (to try to restore circulation to your arms,) they’re off like a shot.  The notions aisles are their favorite place to wreak havoc play.  In the blink of an eye, this child can unroll 26 ribbon wheels, pull all the zippers off their flimsy hangers, throw buttons as if they were confetti, and create an impassible labyrinth of string in the yarn section.
 Solution #1:  Turn this child into an iPad zombie.  Don’t feel bad about this, it’s worth it when the checkout lady says, “Wow!  Your child is so well behaved!  Most children are monsters when they come in here!”
 Solution #2:  Make sure this child is well fed, and has had a nap before you venture out.  Keep a special reserve of toys that this child is only allowed to play with at the fabric store.  Who knows, they might actually look forward to going!

Have you experienced this phenomenon too, or is it just me?  Or are you one of those ladies behind me in the checkout line smirking as I fend off requests for candy, holding the baby upside down by one leg and clutching the back of the toddlers shirt with the other hand?  Which type of fabric store creatures do you own?  Leave a comment below!

  No children were harmed in the making of this blog post.  Sadly, the same cannot be said about fabric stores.  Or the hairs of Audrey’s head.  

22 comments :

  1. VERY FUNNY and SOOOO TRUE! YOU made my day!!

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  2. Ha ha! I have a Leprechaun and one who's just a Greek Siren regardless of what I try to do ;) Loooooove "Stiff Board Syndrome"--describes some of my experiences perfectly!

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    1. How is it those Leprechauns and Greek Sirens are related anyway??

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  3. I've had all but Bigfoot (and believe me if it was appropriate to leave small children alone in the car I would have this one too!)... the catch is I only have 2 kids. They must be shape shifters and assume the role of whatever one I'm least in the mood to deal with! Thanks for a laugh!

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    1. Just wait, one of your littles may turn into Bigfoot as they age!

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  4. I try to force my kids to stay in the cart, or if their dad is along for the trip he takes them to the toy section for just long enough for me to get to the section I want to be in. Also, even adults suffer from Mermaid-syndrome, I have many times been stuck trying to decide between 2 or 10 different fabrics!

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    1. Mermaid syndrome is definitely genetic! ;)

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  5. This is so funny! I don't have kids (yet), so I' ve got looooots of time for myself at the fabric store. But no one to sew those tiny cute garments for. You can't have it all perfect, can you?

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  6. TRUTH!

    A bag of Skittles goes a long way toward keeping a leprechaun in the cart.

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    1. Yes, Jenny, but you have to be strategic about the timing of the Skittles or you will have a sugared up child bouncing off the walls!

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  7. TRUTH!

    A bag of Skittles goes a long way toward keeping a leprechaun in the cart.

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  8. HAHA! I have a Leprechaun and TWO Pixies, and they all morph frighteningly quickly in Sirens >:(

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  9. I love this, Audrey! I have nine kids so I can safely say that I have all of these creatures. I love the big foot picture. Did he know that you were taking his photo? :)

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    1. Nine kids? Whew! You probably have discovered some additional creatures! Big foot turned and glared at me right after I snapped this photo, so I ran away fast!!

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  10. Bahahaha! Audrey, this is soooo freaking hilarious! I admire your bravery, my friend, for to this day I have taken only a maximum of 5 of my children with me to the fabric store (my poisonous mushroom is truly deadly so he always gets left behind). Target, however, is another story entirely. :)

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    1. Wise woman to leave the poisonous mushroom behind! I on the other hand have never taken all 7 to Target!!!

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  11. I am so lucky to have a granddaughter that oh's and ohhh's as she runs her fingers down the rows of fabric. She's a kindred spirit.... Her sister likes fabric as long as it isn't "itchy." When she says the word "Itchy"...don't buy it!
    Deborah @ Sew Much To Give

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    1. Deborah, your comment makes me wonder if the perfect solution for these creatures is the presence of a grandma???

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  12. Haha! I LOVE this post. Had me giggling through the whole thing. My Bigfoot and my Leprechaun/Pixie combination are hard to take there. The others are not so bad...wait. Yes they are--they play chase!

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